mood

I feel beaten and broken, mistrusting. Not drowning, but just below the surface, watching through ripples and waves as everything goes by. There's a barely perceptable sadness lurking near the surface. I can feel it in my eyes, avoiding a mirror. Nothing quite looks the same, though its all familiar. Too familiar. What once made me giddy, school girl happy again, or for the first time considering, seems childish. Is it time I left behind my childish ways? What will become of my wonder, the saving grace that has gotten me through so much? A chemically induced despair that mocks, "You think yourself a student, open minded and learned. You know nothing. There's too much. You'll never reach a fraction of the knowledge you desire." I'll never reach the people I desire. I'll never reach the world, and it will not reach for me, not with open arms to comfort, but grasping gnarled hands to claw and restrain. This confusion, this undecided wavelength, desiring a destination but lacking the strength to embark. It comes without notice and plunges me just beyond recall. And it shall pass just as quickly, without apology, closing the door behind with barely a sound made. I'm left to question what dream state settled about me, leaving me bare, dazed and low.